an ember branded upon the silence

i see your sorrow and so flee from you,

for what right do i have to force your mind;

it's only me trying to create new,

this soft and ditzy child within this bind;

you see once upon a midnight daydream,

i had found you here without a struggle;

i felt you wanting this and so you seem,

you were anxious and i did not smuggle;

there still is no need to be up in arms,

for i only seek to be close to you;

only now i find that i lack the charms,

and i see you seek to find something new;

     what i find to be sad in all this space,

     is to see this pass far beyond my face.

the itsy bitsy spider

were time but to push this aside unto,

and the surface be as scratched and swiped clean;

in you this unfinished and left ascew,

at twilight seems somehow disolved unseen;

within these walls time but ticks with tired scream,

broken down and sad perplex'd is my sea;

so angry for this breath of knowledge gleam,

arms in open space dry and brittle me;

as an empty shell doth wallow away,

so hungry for connection as in wake;

to run aside and swim far from safe stay,

and fall upon distance and (w)holes to make;

     this choice to flee of me and solace take,

     wonder which path would birth from this mistake.

blurry

i'm tired of crying.  i'm tired of distance.  i am tired of anger.  i'm tired of lonesome sounds.  i want to be happy.  i want it to be real.  i want to be one of the mindless happy drones who can smile the world away.  i want the master to stop asking so much of me.  too much space inside.  anger creates so much tension.  i want to bleed softness.  i want to feel.  i want each drip of a tick of a clock to be something other than longing.  i'm feeling it stretch beyond my limits, and something will burst.  i feel it stepping away.  i feel him slipping.  but wait ... i'm not done here.  i want you to be a part of me again.  oh weary traveler hope, why do you elude me so?  why must you battle with anger and silence and falter?  let's build you up.  he can't always defeat you.  you must be strong.  fear is my enemy, too.  let's battle together.  along with all of the others, we can war this united.  hope hold me close.  don't be afraid.  so what if you haven't green eyes like him.  can't we still lift the burden?  where is our song that we knew so well?  i am the broken bard.  somewhere i have lost my dignity.  it's here, somewhere...  where'd this hole in my chest come from?  maybe while bending down to retreave my fallen heart i'll find him.  he's lost.  i can hear him calling.  my long lost self, keep calling.  following your sound, i shall find you.  surely hope will lend himself to me long enough to wish for my voice to never cease.  i'm coming my friend -- keep calling.  keep calling.

come

to be inside is to see the seasons,

to see outside is to grasp the changes;

to hold and grasp the realtime reasons,

to gaze at wonder the marveled ranges;

down inside you see light and day in time,

and sun shines down when all the clouds are gone;

sweaty walls feel like deep cuts with lime,

and shade is scarce to hide away the dawn;

just like a splash of cool here comes the rain,

and wash myself inside to feel alive;

can you hear how thunder has soaked the pain,

amid the sky darts light to dance and dive;

    sometimes the sun will rob me of my sound,

    until when rain comes clean and peace is found.

questing perpetuality

to lay and speak the inside secret voice,

when as to sleep his quiet eyes to keep;

in safe of arms so nestled freedom choice,

when silence of noise does an ear want speak;

ease blink find yawn to wayward gaze come sight,

upon 'nother dead end but slumbered child;

doth own voice want such but inner sown might,

and swift to seek place hide watch over mild;

a hollow place to grow in you does see,

such sweet and cur'ous utter grant does find;

to which an hour struck cog awakened me,

stay nest a place find grope is feeble blind;

     with arms of smoke in light is hopeful shown,

     creep down below defeat and safe in own.

in a glimpse of pure simplicity

shine shone display upon me groan,

and once upon light touch to own;

come crawl between me unto sky,

dwell light inside lift space to lie;

seap down creep down below my skin,

in space without has grown within;

suppose you now would see to wait,

in darkest night your stay would deep;

your lip to hold rasp iron at gate,

cry voice and sky and mellow keep.

All in a moment of time

today has been a really, really good day.  i had almost forgotten what days like these were like.  i am finally breathing again.  it's a wonderful feeling.  i feel more put together today than usual.  my being together isn't like most people's -- my together (or feeling normal) is analyzing newness.  there is so much reality that gets shielded from view.  too much in a day to wrap up into a simple little phrase.  i see beauty.  it scares me,  and i love it.  sometimes i must remember to stop and think a while.  i know there is more... i just have to see it.  i just have to shut my inwardness off long enough to see with my literal eyes.  sometimes their eyes are so much more focused.  just don't forget the many eyes of your emotions -- you will always need them.  sometimes they see more color than the eyes Jehovah gives you.  sometimes you can detect heat and cool in a person's eyes.  sometimes if you look away long enough, you can see someone crying out: "save me ... save me."  too bad i'm always trying to save myself.  where's my long lost friend, sleep.  i need to talk to him for a little while.  come and let us sit.  wash me.  i just hope i don't foget all of this tomorrow.  maybe some rest will help it sink in deeper still.  maybe.  we'll see.  we'll see.

From afar

and the eagle's eye sees:  raised brow, fallen heart.

Posession

in a box.  i'd smother you, hold you -- keep you tightly covered.  i'd open often.  it wouldn't kill you.  you have such a beautiful flame.  when i close the lid -- you won't suffocate.  you'll be fine.  you'll be mine.  you'll like it.  i'll steal your air, your breath, your smile.  i'll wear it, i'll be it.  i can control you, but you'll not change into someone else.  i can't let you be unhappy.  i can't let you slip out.  you can't be free.  you need to stay here, wrapped in the blanket that i have stored away for you.  i have searched high and low to find you comfort.  so be happy.  i don't like it when you're unhappy.  be content in your box.  you'll be fine.  you're not wasting away.  you're still breathing.  you still have color in your flesh.  you still move.  no, you can't stop breathing.  hey, wake up.  you can't die.  hey, hey .... HEYYY...

walking in a sidestep glance

i'm leaking.  part of my resistance and endurance and hope and breath...  i feel everything slipping.  like a book of hope, i carry this living thing inside and balance it on my head.  i've held it high, and high it shall remain.  impossible to let fall.  too much in the balance.  this book becomes heavy.  starts to move.  it's slipping.  i can't seem to hold it steady.  everything depends upon this staying strong -- balanced.  the fall would break my whole being.  i can't help ... slipping.  oozing.  unsteady.  emotions -- fear -- taking hold.  no sight.  no voice.  i'm swimming.  falling.  drowning.  but i have to keep afloat.  my raft is coming.  i just know it.  it'll be here any moment.  gotta kick a few more hours.  but i'm falling.  i can't fly.  i'm spiraling down.  swift.  heavy.  sad.  i'm sliding ... i'm helping... i'm living.  i'm breathing in.  nothing can stop me from staying alive.  no more falling.  no more weakness.  no more giving in to him.  he can't win.  no more victor!  you can't beat me -- i won't let you.  too much at risk -- too much at stake.  too much to love, too much to gain.  i'm falling, but i'm standing.  i'm sinking, but i'm still swimming.  i'm battling him.  i'm ... trying.  he knows my weakness, he knows my strength.  he's crafty.  he's winning.  i'm done, but i'll not stop fighting.

(re)capture

a clock slow ticks abound this night,

besiege my head to lonesome dread;

release this beast of time in flight,

to sink your teeth slight leave me dead;

where once my heart in still would lay,

now kings of space but hunt to slay;

dark war of night amid begin,

'fore long come break this pain we win;

release the weak 'side in to see,

rescue at last to free me be.

Inside

the door opened.  slam.  another opened.  slam.  i can't find him.  i know i left him here.  slam.  steps are faster.  frantic.  slam.  more doors.  long corridor.  slam.  slam.  i need him.  no, that's not him.  slam.  i remember i left him right here.  at this spot.  slam.  maybe ... *sigh*  they all look the same.  slam.  steps.  marching.  but i need him.  i miss him.  he needs to help me.  i remember ... slam ... we used to talk.  slam.  oh ... hmm, no ... i'll come back to this one later.  have to remember where this one is.  slam.  but where is he.  how many doors are in this place?  slam.  he needs to help me remember.  i used to be like him.  slam.  he was interesting.  slam.  i enjoyed being him.  slam.  maybe if i go back ... slam ... to that other one, that one can help me remember -- slam -- where he is.  where are they?  slam.  slam.  wait ... who am i looking for?  slam.  hey, who are you?  i don't remember you being here before.  you seem familiar, though...  let's talk a while.

You looked back

it's dark.  you slip.  you're running.  you hear noises.  crickets.  bats flying overhead.  dark.  running.  scared.  walls.  turn.  stop.  bugs.  crawl.  sit.  calm.  wall.  run.  dark.  alone.  afraid.  air.  small.  lungs.  choke.  running.  breathe.  live.  survive.  scared.  wind.  rain.  change.  bind.  trapped.  suffering.  alone.  dark.  run.  trip.  fall.  noises.  louder.  falling.  crash.  light.  peace.  happy.  free.  breath.  nice.  blink.  path.  shape.  friend.  warm.  arm.  reach.  hand.  take.  walk.  together.  finally.  happy.

Time

funny how time travels only forward. like a conveyer who travels only swiftest when he sees your back. in a day we gain so many spots of life. sometimes they can touch us so gently. they place their warm hand on our cold shoulder, and whisper everything that we have ever wanted. you smile. you lean into it. you embrace the tiny journey of now, and know there will be another. you don't want to blink. you don't want to miss anything. it's like a room that you can always retreat to. you get up, and sadly pace about the room. the walls. the floor. the smell. you remember it all. it's a quiet sad. like the time you had the best day ever with your bestest friend in the whole world. but that day they would have to go. so you're happy. you're sad. you take a last look around. reach for the door, and close it shut behind you. lock -- click. and within seconds the fingers that you've placed on your forehead cause you to cry. come back, my good friend. don't go. time. come back.

Around the perimeter of the parameter

so much of life seems to be defined by pre-existing walls.  so many hurt views, wronged rights, feeble glances...  i want a wash.  a steam clean on the inside.  clean the stains, let the suds fall slowly to reveal a new me.  i feel like i'm floating.  is this all real?  how much of me is sitting here, and how much of him is here.  i want to be new -- shiny with that sparkle.  a brand new bike.  mom said that i can ride it even though it's late.  a brand new book -- i'll let all my friends borrow it.  softer.  genuine.  loving.  kind.  maybe i can shine if i polish long enough.  my eyes hurt.  so far, it's a pretty fine new day.

This breeze feels wonderful

secure.  safe.  home.

Care To Play A Game?

psst.  c'mere.  i want to tell you a secret.  see this armor i'm wearing?  right here, under this chain is a hole.  shhhhhhh, it's just big enough to slip an arrow through.  no, no -- it's okay.  i trust you.  i know you're a stranger, but here ... here's an arrow.  finest bow i've ever made for myself, too.  heh -- i know.  but i trust you.  i'm a trusting person.  so you go over there.  and i'll be over here.  okay -- ready?  i'm going to let my guard down.  haha -- no, it's okay.  i trust, remember?  i'm going to just sit here with my eyes closed.  no, no ... we'll talk about that later.  i promise -- everything will be fine.  okay, can you see me?  i'm just relaxing.  i'm not tensing up.  i'm not worried, because you are trusted.  trust.  trust ...  i ... hear something.  wait -- what are you doing?  no ... no ...  noooooooooo--  *

Staring off into the unknown

i hurt him today.  i became angry with him.  he can be childish, blind, weak, and all around pitiful.  i yelled at him.  i stared him down.  i allowed myself to swallow him up -- overpowering him with memories, thoughts, feeling.  he sank.  i saw his eyes drop.  he became frightened, but i know he feels it, too.  he's a loser.  he's a no body.  he's nothing, and i told him so.  look at what he's done with himself.  look what he's done with others.  look at the wake of irritation and grief he causes people.  all because he wants.  he wants what he wants.  this is obviously what he wanted.  this must have been what he had in mind.  this is what he wanted, and so ... this is what he's getting.  i loathe him.  so weak.  so blind.  i hope he chokes on himself.  so i cut him.  i ran him through.  don't worry -- he's still alive.  weak and vulnerable.  pathetic.  cowering.  hurting.  bleeding.  needy.  alone.  (blink)  but i pity him.  i feel for him.  sometimes ... he just really means well.  i hate to hate him.  aw, he's really taking this badly.  he's crying now -- i see him.  poor guy.  so sad.  so alone.  so much pain.  he's hurting -- i need to comfort him.  so i wrap my arms around my insides and mend him.  he'll be okay.  we'll be just fine.  we always are.  just me, and myself.  i'm sorry, my friend.

Supposing I am to say simply

i am lost in a sea of fear.  could you calm the storm?  would you try, or would you stare from your island and scream, "save yourself, useless swine!"  suppose i were a mime, and in my world i am really trapped.  would you stare and laugh, saying, "just break the glass of your imagination, you fool!"  suppose i were to cry.  would you simply say, "stop being ugly, you weakened snail!"  suppose i were to say that i am tired of being strong.  suppose i simply want someone to care about me for who i truly am:  a lost traveler unlike yourself -- softened by time's translucent mock.  open your eyes.  see me.  don't be afraid.  it's the real me.  i am afraid, and i am slowly dying.

How do you compare dullness with beauty?

mostly it starts somewhere within.  i can hear a shift in my core.  i hear whispers.  they tell me all about color in terms of feelings.  i see form within the color.  the feelings have shades and shapes.  many different styles and modes, but they are all feelings.  emotions.  the gray ones feel like rotting flesh.  the red ones are explosions.  the big ones fill my whole body, and the small ones whisper and talk.  what they eventually do, is crawl up my stomach.  sometimes they fill my lungs.  they give off gravity -- outward.  the move opposite of the Earth's gravity.  eventually they seep into my air, and find their way into my neck.  they drip into my head, and try to ooze out from my eyes.  sometimes i can talk to them -- tell them to wait.  other times they find their way out in a stealthy way.  i think they bleed clear blood.  i know this, because they leak out of my eyes.  my emotions are alive, and they constantly crawl around my body.  they have teeth.  they latch on.  like leeches they suck the force out of me, quieting my voice.  my attempts at controlling them are overpowered by the leeches.  sometimes they are everywhere.  in my head.  in my heart.  in my lungs.  they spread.  like spiders, they make their way through me fast -- swift.  like eagles, they sometimes soar throughout my entire highway of blood vessels.  they have spikes, too.  as they travel, they rip along my flesh.  they stop sometimes to feed off of my intentions.  my very eyes are overtaken by them.  i am like a mannequin, while they are my master.  emotions can be very powerful.  they can be very friendly.  they can have hidden malice.  they can be comforting, frightening.  but they are always real.  and they are always in color.  and they always have shape.  i am a moving breathing cess pool of living creatures -- feeding off of my every thought and instinct.  they take over when they want.  they let me be when they want.  i believe they are me.  i believe they want to be free.  won't someone save me?

With a (blink) and a smile

so today is, quite possibly, a new day.  new experiences, new air -- new life.  yesterday, as those who are probably smartest, is yesterday.  today i see reluctance in starting anew.  but today i see a possibility for something new.  something fresh.  i'm not exactly sure what it is, or how it fits, or what it will even look like.  but today feels different.  and difference can be good.  of what value is this ... reality ... without love.  love changes everything.  love endures, and captures, and helps, and is hopeful.  maybe if we're encouraged to love more fully, then maybe being more hopeful isn't such a bad thing.  but what hope is based on concrete reality?  promises that were made from days past -- from ancient days.  one could hold out hope for those.  however, what about the hopes and dreams of a man today who is scared and sideways and little and small?  how is he to know whether his hopes are based on anything at all?  i say keep out hope for something.  maybe he is right -- maybe there is a turn that i've missed along the way.  maybe i didn't see a road sign that would lead me to my destination more fully and more quickly.  maybe, just maybe ... it has been staring me in the face this whole entire time.  or perhaps not.

momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my momma said

Emotion: choke

which emotion stings worse -- the chicken or the egg?  which leaves deeper scars -- those hatching or the hatched?  which bleeds more, a heart or a mind?  which kills swiftest, a cage or a prison?

It's just an emotion

when i breathe, i feel it in my back.  when i sit still, it grows more encumbersome.  i try to fill it empty, i try to empty if whole.  nothing breaks this silence of pain and dread.  were i to actually know and feel and see such things, could that be me?  could i be that which i am most afraid?  somehow i see (saw) you nesting here.  somehow wind (change) has spoken from long ago, and taken me whole.  during rain it falls still in this space.  when sun scorches ruined and rotten upon pink flesh, would my hands still be tied?  so race into me now, this beast, this life, this change.  find me and capture me.  molest me, change me, devour me.  rip my chords bleak and dry -- sting me -- do it.  have your fill, and save nothing for you or anything.  find me.  kill me.  destroy me, while i am yet alive.  be me, complete me, control me.  i am still.  eat.  swallow.  digest.  let me be.  let me sleep.  let me be

A rant (or observation)

as i am here, i am hopeful. i am quiet. i am calm. as i see the world, i see they are not. i am searching, while everyone else is angry with everyone else. and everyone else is angry with everyone else. and were a man to walk among them and release an end to the whole agonizing delima, like a mushroom in the wake of an atom bomb, would that spread earth wide? were a being to come and set off explosive moods of acceptance, and reassurance, and self-probing stillness, would that satisfy this never
ending purpose of me and now and mine and get and shut and top and close and end? would someone yell, "you! or yours! or come! or open! or loose! or inviting! or begin!" would we stop like insects and stare at the sky in hopes of realizing what began to take hold of life and breath and surfaces now anew!? would a howl take place for all those lonesome beasts tied down with their burden and scar? would we live? would i be. what about you?

An air of intrigue

sometimes things can happen that completely demolish your entire view of reality.  you can be so blinded by what's before you, that you are unable to stop and look at it's subtleties.  therein lies my weakness -- when something big is before me, something bigger can come in and block out everything.  i've not invested in the scaling techniques required to see past it, but once in a while ... something comes along and blows a huge hole in all of my walls.  even the fragments find a way to pierce through to the core.  sometimes i am frightened by how much of my core actually fluctuates.  you have those people who can react 100 times to the same situation exactly the same.  but me?  no ... i will react differently because i don't always feel the same about everything ... all the time.  sometimes voices are louder, and situations stomp their feet to the point where i get distracted.  and that's where Ray Lewis comes from no where and knocks your lights out.  it's hard to stay focused on external things when your internal things need so much maintenance and self assurance allllll the time.  and when you feel like you're finally able to focus on something real and concrete ... something hard and tangible ... you hear that voice inside again.  and it's your friend, and it's your lover.  it's the one sure thing that has always been there for you, no matter what.  it rules you, like the Master Of Puppets ... only this master doesn't want to hurt you -- he wants to help you.  so naturally, you run to it.  you know you're safe, and you know you're secure.  it likes you, and it's been there for you.  it is you.  and you crawl down the hole, and pull the rock over the surface of life ... and mend.  who ever knew a thing could be that disfigured and mangled.  it never stops getting hurt.  it never sleeps.  in an air of perpetual strangulation and a glimpse of inevitable contortedness ... you will never cease to please that which is simultaneously your greatest ally, and your darkest foe:  you.

The thought that doesn't seem to fade

I was thinking

That I might fly today

Just to disprove

All the things that you say  ~  Jewel

Minimal conversations within

i haven't tried to focus on myself in a long, long time.  once the horizon settles to the point where silence creeps in, i generally fill the void of air and stillness with some sort of distraction.  it is never easy to face oneself.  i can remember many times where my whole voice was inside.  my entire being was inward.  i retreated a lot.  i thought a lot.  i read, i focused ... i was me.  but then i discovered a way to cover over that silence.  it became easier to escape into that world of distraction, and i cannot seem to pull myself from it.  i've developed traits to run to ... to rid myself of that emptyness.  but now i feel it is finally time to embrace that void.  that quiet voice that slowly speaks to me when i am still.  that soft whisper of release ... of togetherness.  just me and my insides.  i seem to need to get acquainted with my voice again.  i have a feeling a new friendship is on the horizon -- just me and my very old, very patient self.  "welcome back -- we've missed you..."